Monday, October 26, 2009

Or maybe they make dog Ambien?

If you've been a parent for more than 15 minutes, someone has suggested to you that it is possible to sedate your offspring with Benadryl. Going on a long car ride? Benadryl! Cross-continental redeye flight to to see grandma? Benadryl! Mommy wants to watch The Office and drink whiskey make dinner without hearing any whining from your miniature cake-hole interruption? BENADRYL!

Sounds great, but the problem with it is that the entire thing is an evil plot invented and perpetuated by either pharmaceutical companies or communists. Or communist pharmacists. If it works for your kid, hooray for you, but I tried drugging each of my children at different times in their lives, and each time I got exactly the opposite reaction than I was going for. As the other 167 unfortunate passengers of a flight from Denver to Tampa in 1998 can attest, Benadryl in my kids is like methadone. Or crack cocaine. Or acid. I guess I'm not super knowledgeable on the effects of hard drugs, I'm sure I was supposed to study it at some point, but I think I watched Mork and Mindy instead. Anyway, it turns them into whatever drug it is that makes you a wild-eyed, spitting, jumping on your mom's lap, unable to sleep wolverine-monkey.

And, now, because I am nothing if not a bastion of information and this blog is pretty much a public service announcement, (you're welcome) I'm here to inform you that Benadryl in a bulldog has pretty muchly exactly the same effect as it had on my toddlers. It turns him into a drooling bag of crazy.

If you're a fan of bulldogs, and hello? Who ISN'T? You'll know that despite their tough appearances, they are actually delicate little flowers with all types of issues that you wouldn't put up with from any other less-cute animal. Chronic puking immediately after eating comes to mind. As does 40 decibel snoring, incessant shedding, tears that stain your furniture and only being able to give birth by c-section.  Also? Dry skin. Bulldogs have very dry, itchy skin and all kinds of things irritate it, like say, oh...air. And Taylor Swift songs. Or so I tell my children.

Anyway, I'm cruising through life feeding my bulldog extra greasy food and keeping him all humidified when suddenly he's covered, like totally COVERED in hives.  Everywhere, little jellybean sized bumps all over his cuteness. You could tell they itched like hell. He was rolling and crying and scratching and I just wanted to go to bed felt so badly for him. So, after a quick google-search for itchy bulldog cures, deciding against a calamine and baking soda dip, I went for the Benadryl. Without even thinking, without even remembering, without even considering that it wouldn't work. I imagined him taking the magical elixir of yum, slowly laying down, licking his paws for a few minutes and then passing out until morning.

Yeah. Nope. It's currently 3:48 AM, and I'm watching him jump from sofa to coffee table to ottoman to my lap to floor to door to the other sofa to OHMYGAWD this is exactly like the flight to Tampa only there's not a grumpy autoparts sales person sitting next to me.

8 comments:

  1. Someone told us to give Meg Bendryl the first week she was home. Of course, these are the same people who have an 18 month old who is just barely walking...

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  2. I can tell you this now because there has got to be some statue of limitations on this type of thing. I doubt that CPS will be knocking on my door now that my baby is 21 but.... my husband worked 18 hour days when the kids were small and sometimes I just needed a break. I swear they all got runny noses on those days so I would give them a little 'something' to help them sleep. Today they still hate grape flavor anything. And they love to tease me about it.

    You know what the best was though? Sitting down a few years ago watching a family Christmas video with all the noise and commotion. Anders turns to me and said; "Mom, how did you ever do it?, we were nosiy and abnoxious" I never loved him as much as I did that day.

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  3. When my cat got stung by a bee, the vet said to give him 1/2 benedryl pill. He did sleep that day. ;)

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  4. We had a bulldog when I was a kid and that dog was batsh*t crazy. He barked at anything from falling leaves to clouds. He was also a big fan of biting the wheels of lawnmowers when they were operating. No Benedryl required.

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  5. Ah yes, the Great Benadryl Lottery. Whereby the mother (always the Mother, also known as The Risk Taker) gives her child/dog/husband the Magic Medicine only to have it backfire and crank the recipient up like Magic Crystal Meth. And yes, it is crystal meth that causes people to stay awake for three days at these crazy things called "raves." And you can cook it at home with a little battery acid and some Benadryl. Good times.

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  6. My mom's rotty chases shadows. Yup. On the floor, on the walls, in the grass...everywhere. He stalks them, paws at them, whines at them...
    Just imagine a 120LB doof clawing at the floor everytime someone's shifts positions in an overhead-lit room.
    I've considered feeding him Adderal to curb his ADHD, but I'm afraid [like Benadryl] it'll treat him like a middle-schooler at a pill-party.

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  7. My dog goes batshit crazy when there are fireworks and serious thunderstorms in the vicinity. One of us has to get drugged to survive the maelstorm, I'd prefer it be me but alas it's usually the dog. Benadryl is our friend.

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  8. Benadryl did the same thing to my youngest boy. Totally made him high on a road trip once. Do you know how long a 3 year old, high on Benadryl can sing?? Hundreds of miles.

    My bulldog, Phoebe, on the other hand takes a nice little nap on the occasions I've had to give it to her. She got hives once, too. And ate a bee. Do you know how hard it is to find a bee stinger in a bulldog's lips? Oh, you probably do. hehe

    Love reading about your bully!

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