Good boy.

We recently had to put down one of the labradorks. He was a goofy brown 13 year old and this post is not about how sad it was and how much we miss him and how the 11 year old kid couldn't catch his breath in his sleep he cried so hard or how the 14 year old giant kid wept silently save for the big giant kid tears plopping on his geometry homework.  I'm not going to write that post, you are not going to cry. Go ahead and read it even if you're wearing regular mascara.

Although I totally wrote that post. Then I deleted it though because, ugh.

Anyway, this post is about how, in his final months on this planet said labradork lost control of a few key bodily functions, one of them the ability to keep all his parts tense as he stood up, slept or walk. At the same time, standing up, sleeping and walking also came with greater strain. These factors combined created what scientists call "poop balls." Okay, not scientists, just us.

Each time the poor old dude would struggle to get up, plop. Poop ball.

He'd chase bunnies in his sleep. Poop ball.

Grazing on the front lawn when someone lit a firecracker. Array of poop balls up the front steps.

We started calling him Poopball.

Admittedly, we let it go on too long, but it really wasn't that bad hopping around the house, using my iPhone as a flashlight to avoid kicking them on late night bathroom trips. It wasn't like it was big gross dog piles of poop. Just cute poop balls. More like rabbit pellets. Really big rabbit pellets. And the fact that it really embarrassed him sort of made it forgivable. He'd look behind him with his gray eyebrows raised and then look at me as if to say, "How in the hell did the bulldog do that back there?" And I would look at him and say, "I dunno, brownie. Bulldogs are sneaky." Because when you're 91 in dog years you deserve a little dignity I think.

We did, however, go through a lot of plastic bags picking them up. In fact, there were times when I would ask for double bags at the grocery store just so we'd have enough to keep the poop balls in check. One of the last times I was doing this, I got the evil eye from the lady behind me in line. She is typical for my grocery store in that she was wearing yoga clothes and $30k worth of jewelry, holding the keys to a European SUV and looking down a surgically-altered nose to shun my use of plastic bags.

I smiled sweetly at her and said, "Would you prefer I picked up dog shit with your Whole Foods bag?"

Apparently she did not prefer that.

In any case, RIP Sedgwick Fletcher's Honor. AKA: Sedgie. AKA: Browndog AKA: Poopball. You were a good dog. A very good brown dog.

Valuable lessons gleaned from my actual true life experiences this week that I am generously sharing with you, dear reader.

1. Do not use the expression "you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a coffee shop in my neighborhood - Hohoho!" if someone wants to meet you for coffee to talk about how sad they are about putting their beloved 18-year-old cat to sleep.

2. Do not lazily take off your underwear and jeans at exactly the same time, leaving your raspberry pink Hanky Pankies in the leg of said jeans if you have borrowed your 12 year old son's jeans that day.  There is an ever so slight chance they might stay there throughout the entire falling two stories in a laundry chute, going through the washing machine, tumbling in the dryer, getting folded and going back to son's closet process.

3. Do not allow your bulldog to leave his superfun rubber ringy toy thingies in the front yard because at 3 o'clock in the morning you will hear a 110 pound labradork on your sofa barking the OMG-Burglar! bark alerting everyone in the house to eminent danger.  After loading your 9mm handgun and carefully reviewing the Colorado "Make My Day" statute online, you will see that it is not a meth-crazed maniac causing the dog to bark, but rather, two foxes frolicking on your front lawn. With bulldog toys. Because you live in a goddam Disney movie. Apparently.

4. When your employer says, "Do you have time to get to this project in the next couple of days?" do not guffaw and reply, "You bet. Unless I win the freakin' lotto between now and then. HAHA!"  It could cause them to question your dedication and they won't think it's funny even a little bit.