1. Do not use the expression "you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a coffee shop in my neighborhood - Hohoho!" if someone wants to meet you for coffee to talk about how sad they are about putting their beloved 18-year-old cat to sleep.
2. Do not lazily take off your underwear and jeans at exactly the same time, leaving your raspberry pink Hanky Pankies in the leg of said jeans if you have borrowed your 12 year old son's jeans that day. There is an ever so slight chance they might stay there throughout the entire falling two stories in a laundry chute, going through the washing machine, tumbling in the dryer, getting folded and going back to son's closet process.
3. Do not allow your bulldog to leave his superfun rubber ringy toy thingies in the front yard because at 3 o'clock in the morning you will hear a 110 pound labradork on your sofa barking the OMG-Burglar! bark alerting everyone in the house to eminent danger. After loading your 9mm handgun and carefully reviewing the Colorado "Make My Day" statute online, you will see that it is not a meth-crazed maniac causing the dog to bark, but rather, two foxes frolicking on your front lawn. With bulldog toys. Because you live in a goddam Disney movie. Apparently.
4. When your employer says, "Do you have time to get to this project in the next couple of days?" do not guffaw and reply, "You bet. Unless I win the freakin' lotto between now and then. HAHA!" It could cause them to question your dedication and they won't think it's funny even a little bit.