What are you talking about under there?

My friend and neighbor – who for purposes of anonymity we’ll call…hmmm….how ‘bout we call her “Nicole,” well, Nicole says that, properly fitted, babydoll tops are cute on anyone. And if they’re not, it’s easily solved by a product called SPANX. The official Spanx website says they're “shapewear,” but what they are is a modern day spandex version of the corset and girdle. And chasity belt, because they’re very hard to remove after drinking.

I’ve only ever owned one pair of Spanx, and then just for a few days. I got them on the recommendation of not only Nicole, but also a bearded drag queen that I met at a 50s themed birthday party. He and a lot of his friends were having a super good time being over 6 feet tall, 200 pounds and pretending they were Marilyn Monroe. I figured that was a pretty good reference really, so I paid more than I did for my first car for some “power panties” and wore them under filmy black pants to the Country Music Television Awards in Nashville last April. Yes. My life is THAT interesting. I go to awards shows with celebrities all the time. Not really, I just sort of ended up with free tickets, and figured it was one of those life-list things I should cross off, even if it was never technically on the list of things to cross off. On a side note, it was a pretty fun time, Big Dude Little Glasses went along and it was like a 24 hour date on a school night. In Nashville. With our close friends Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman. Anyway, the trip was rather whirlwindy, and I accidentally forgot my Spanx in at the hotel in Nashville. I have not yet written the smash country hit “I left my Spanx in Nashville Now My Pants Don’t Fit No More” but I plan to very soon.

Back to the babydoll, Nicole and I discussed at depth whether wearing tight undergarments to essentially stop the muffin top under babydoll tops was ironic or just sadist, as well the overall efficiency of Body Shaping. We determined that if they ever made a full-body Spanx catsuit, we’d both save up for them...I suggested that I would pay extra for a flesh colored one with nipples and abs airbrushed on it and it would be good if it was quick drying so that I could shower in it as well. (Who the hell designs a bathroom with a huge mirror across from a glass-doored shower anyway?) Nicole decided it might be too hot to wear it all the time…but then acquiesced that if it had pit zips it would be completely tolerable, and less expensive than a tummy tuck.

I'm going to forgive the babydoll because I trust Nicole’s undergarment advice even more than that from the drag queen. She comes from good people. Her mom (shout out to my homegirl Anita in KC) told me she didn’t need to be professionally fitted for a bra because she already knew her size. 34 Long. I almost didn’t type that because I really was hoping to save it and use it as my own one day.

If you were wondering what women with cocktails on stoops talk about, now you know.