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J. Crew just sent me an email with the subject line: “A new cardi for your collection!” I think Mr. or Ms. Crew...or shall I call you the more folksy and abbreviated “J?”...is maybe going a teensy bit out on a limb with that one.

a) J is assuming my skin doesn’t crawl when people unnecessarily shorten words to be cute. Wrongo, J. (Case in point, the rafting guide this summer who said the rapids were “gnar” and then felt the blunt end of my paddle knock across her REI bandana-ed head.)

b) J is assuming I know ‘cardi’ is short (and CUTE!) for “cardigan” and not, say “cardiac arrest” or “cardinal sin” or “cardio workout.”

c) J is assuming I not only wear, but actually COLLECT frumpy sweaters with buttons on the front to be ironic. Ummmm. No. No, I do not. Past age 26, a grandpa sweater on a female is no longer clever and hot in that naughty librarian kind of clever and hot. It's just weird. And I don't have enough closet space for non-wearable collections.

It’s bittersweet, but I think just maybe I’ve passed the target demographic for J. Crew.