An Open Letter.

Hello Lady Driving in the Lane Beside Me.

It’s cute how you go the same speed as me whether I speed up or slow down. You’re somehow drawn to me. It’s very flattering. The thing is, I kind of need to get in your lane so I can take The Giant One to middle school. So, if you could just maybe choose your own speed so you’re either passable or get-behind-able, that’d be super.

You’re probably a teensy distracted by the large mass of mail you’re storing on your dashboard, so I understand you not really being able to notice traffic around you. Wow! That’s neat how all the mail reflects in your windshield! It’s like those cool laser displays in Air Force jets. You must feel like a total badass. I bet you can’t even see in front of you through it all, so I don’t know why I’d expect you be able to see off to the side. That’s just asking too much. I’m sorry.

Here, I’ll fix it. I’ll come to an almost complete stop over here on your right while you’re reading the Crate & Barrel sale flyer sliding in front of you as we round this corner. Then, a sharp left, and I can pull in behind you.

OK! Got it. You’re in front of me, whew. Oh, ummm. Pssst. This is kind of awkward. You still kind of have a John Kerry sticker on the back of your car. I, uh, don’t really know how to break this to you other than to just say it…well, it’s in great condition and all, but I am pretty sure that swift boat has kinda sailed, if you know what I’m sayin. Good news, though. I think you can get Obama ones, now. They’re shiny. And free! You just have to find the website or something I think.

Well, this is my left turn. There’s no pedestrians, so I’ll be going. You enjoy that passing lane now. Don't you worry about a thing. B’bye.