Current Denver Weather. In Haiku.

The rain will not stop
slugs march, leaving trails of snot

the day smells of frogs.

Take a midnight train going anywhere.

Being a small town girl living in a lonely world is indeed a handicap.
But not enough of a handicap to get special parking privileges.
At least according to the City of Denver Right-of-Way Enforcement Department.

And use a frosted lens.

The older I get, the better I look in low light.
Note to self: Remove some lightbulbs over mirror in master bath.

\ˈsär-ˌka-zəm\

Thank you for your thoughtful inclusion of dictionary passages in your communication to me.

Afterall, I am not very familiar with these things you call “words,” their meanings, or usage. It’s mind-boggling to think that I’ve somehow made a very comfortable living as a “writer” for the past two decades without your assistance. I’m sure I would have been found-out as a fraud eventually, but with your help I can continue my evil scam indefinitely.

In any case, I believe your experience as a bartender truly qualifies you to teach me the language, and I greatly appreciate it. I long for the day when you branch out to help me with grammar, and if I’m lucky, perhaps even more complicated topics like efficient paper-clipping.

Say - when you get a minute, why doncha put down the Webster’s, and succinctly bite my ass? That'd be just swell.

Pronunciation:

\ˈsär-ˌka-zəm\

Function:

noun

1: a sharp and often satirical or ironic utterance designed to cut or give pain

2 a: a mode of satirical wit depending for its effect on bitter, caustic, and often ironic language that is usually directed against an individual
b: the use or language of sarcasm

This is wrong on so many levels.

I'm not being judgmental. Wait. Yes I am. I stumbled across this post on someone's blog. I am not sure what's worse - anxiously awaiting getting your infant's ears pierced at a mall, (OMG - four months we've waited, and now finally!) or subjecting an innocent child to a ridiculously spelled name. Both are permanent.

Oh! I know! Why not have the poor kid's stupidly spelled name TATTOO'ED ON HER? It would only hurt for a little bit, but everyone would know how clever you are FOREVER.



" We had been talking about piercing Taytem's ears since she was born and we finally did it. Right after her 4 month check up we headed to the mall and had it done."

Please hang up and try your call again.

At the office today, someone kept calling our main line and trying to fax to it. Next to an adult woman speaking baby talk, a fax signal is the most annoying noise on the planet. Technology allows us to make our phones ring with the Humpty Dance, or have the doorbell play the theme song to Inspector Gadget. Brookstone and Sharper Image made zillions on all those little white noise machines to make you think you’re sleeping at the beach in a thunderstorm, but is no-one looking into improving the fax noise? What the hell do scientists and engineers DO all day?

I notice on caller ID that its someone at our other location. Without using a single curse word, I politely and sweetly craft a fax to them (with smiley face!) that says – Hey, jus’ so ya know… you’re faxing to a phone number, wanna try the fax number? I then provide said number. Did I mention it had a smiley face? Hand-drawn.

I get back an apology that says, “Sorry. I shouldn’t try to multi-task.”

So…I’m just wondering…what exactly were you doing WHILE punching in a fax number to make you so distracted that you didn’t know what number you were punching in? Because when I send a fax, I’m sort of held hostage by standing there sending a fax. Do you have a wireless portable fax machine so you can walk about whilst faxing? Were you like, changing your oil? Diffusing a bomb? Writing a thesis? Because I’m pretty sure you weren’t cutting my expense check from two months ago.

Anyway. I’ll talk to your supervisor and let them know your plate is full. Then, I'm coming over to show you how to program your speed dialer.

PS - The first fax machine was invented in 1843...before the telephone. I just learned that on Wikipedia.

If I should die before I wake.

Please check the milk box. I would hate for you to discover too late that there’s a gallon and a half of skim quietly curdling while you mourn.

Although, the symbolism would be fantastic.