Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Because I'm a FASHIONEESTA, baby.

I get way too many email ads from way too many companies that I'm very unlikely to ever buy anything from, but I don't want to unsubscribe to the list and hurt their feelings. As a marketing type person all day long, I realize the VAST implications of receiving their emails and not responding. I'm totally screwing up the response rate, cost of sale and multiple other essential matrices. I get that. But on a grander, more important level of vastitude, I don't want some poor graphic designer or copywriter to get canned because they're blamed for a bad headline or something after I unsubscribe after getting an email. Except for that J. Crew copywriter who calls cardigans "cardis" because they are evil and must be stopped.

So, I get emails for cars, tools, toys, electronics, real estate, candy, dog medicine, children's clothing made in England that will never fit a hearty spoiled American child and much more. Everything I've ever bought online, which is pretty much everything I own, is followed up with a lifetime of emails I won't respond to. Including J. Jill. Now - plenty of you gals out there probably LOVE J. Jill. At some point in my life I found their catalogs particularly appealing and even ordered a few things. The attraction just didn't stick with me because it turns out I am not shaped like a box, and therefore their clothes and me just don't get along. I'm not saying I'm hourglassed or pear-shaped or any of those things. I'm more...hmmm...well, I'm shaped much like a 13 year old boy. With boobs. J. Jill clothes are made for girls. Girly girls with girl type bodies.

So I get the emails and I open them up to see if maybe there's some amazing deal on a cashmere sweater that's usually $158 but is only $22 today because I would totally wear that even if it DID look like a perfect square instead of something a 13-year-old-boy-with-boobs would wear. And today, I see THIS as their representation of ultimate femininity. The hawt-yet-breezy look for spring.

A brown dress. A brown $99 dress with no shape. Granted, I bet it is comfortable, but REALLY, J. Jill? That's it? That's the new look everyone 25-45 will be wearing this spring? In brown? What happened, someone in the accounting department come to a meeting and say, "Now listen, guys, the economy is down. No one wants to be happy. Please, PLEASE, if we wanna sell any dresses this spring, we gotta make them boring. Depressing. Like something you'd wear in prison. In 1930. But we still gotta make money, so make it like a hundred bucks, K?"

And the marketing people piped up and said, "But what about our cheerful demographic? Our SEO stats say that 35% of our customers who are dress shopping googled "Dress for Hope."
And that is why for just another $49 you can add the floral cardigan jacket thing to cover up the prison housecoat dress thing, for this amazing look. Really freshens it up, huh? I bet middle school girls are clamoring for this outfit.

I contend that the fashion experts at J. Jill were out at a team-building conference or something instead of at the ol' drawing boards when they planned the Must Have Looks for Spring 2009. Either that, or some guy in the research department decided that their prime customer was over the age of 80. Because besides being the exact replica of a JC Penney's housecoat, this hundred dollar dress also includes A Detachable Slip! Even though nothing is more sucktastic on a warm day than a clinging layer of polyester...except for maybe a layer of polyester clinging to gawd, pantyhose, it is against the law for anyone under the age of 80 to wear a dress without a slip, even if said dress is BROWN.

If I've offended you because you think the above look is young, clever, and an ironic nod to the vintage housecoat, I apologize. And also I would like to save you about $100. Because in another completely unrelated email, I was pitched these alternatives, which I would totally buy before the J.Jill one, because, Hello, they're $100 cheaper, and B: They're backless. Talk about a breezy look for spring. So cool it's hot.

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