Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Elk and swine and bears, oh my.

I am home all alone with two children and three dogs and fourteen appointments and thirtyseven deadlines and school pictures and back to school night and 7 football practices this week because the Big Dude is away sneaking up on elk with his bow and arrow. You may recall last year when he did this and I totally figured out that he was in Vegas and not hunting AT ALL.

If you're thinking it is a bad idea for me to tell the whole internet that I'm home alone with no Big Dude to protect me, well then you're silly. Because he's bow hunting. Which means that I'm here, all alone, with a sh'load of hunting rifles. Probably not a good idea to drop by unexpectedly, if you catch my drift.

Also, if that's not scary enough for you, I have every single symptom of swine flu except for the mask thing that Michael Jackson's kids used to wear. I am certain I have swine flu not only because I have checked my symptoms online, but also because I emailed my doctor friend to see if she thought I had swine flu and she didn't email me back. Which means, she doesn't want to catch it. Obviously. I totally hope that the people I have fourteen appointments with don't mind, but I'm not going to wear the Michael Jackson kids' mask thing because I can only imagine how completely gross it would be after I sneeze in in about 42 times. Or once. Either way.

You should also know that I'm very possibly about to be widowed, because the Big Dude has seen more bears than elk and I'm pretty sure even though he's a very strong guy with really big fists and an incredible will to live, there's a good chance a hungry black bear might be a teensy bit stronger.

Oh - and an update from last year... If you've actually been in my garage and seen the big freezer full of elk meat, you are probably saying to yourself, "Geez, Pen. You're awfully harsh on the guy, making fun of his little Cupidy bow and telling him to take a frickin' rifle." To which I say, "See here, in this roast? The bullet hole?" Nuff said.

I realize this post is somewhat rambling. Blame the swine.


  1. Urge to root for truffles? Compost bin look tasty? Did you open the fridge and gag at the sight of the package of bacon in the meat drawer?
    We had the swine over the summer and it didn't kill any of us. However there is nothing worse than caring for sick kiddos when your sick too. You will have earned a little "hunting" trip of your own I do believe......

  2. I am so envious of the elk you have in the freezer. You lucky girl!

    I hope you are feeling better soon.

  3. Big Sexy & I made some venison kabobs last season & they were DELICIOUS...until I bit into a chunk of lead that never made it out of the tenderloin. Not as delicious.
    Bit of advice? Let him keep using the arrows. Less chance of consuming a buckshot [or whatever equivalent it requires to take down an elk].
    Good luck to Big Dude, though! & I hope you feel better soon - I'm pretty sure even though Big Dude is away, considering the rifles AND swine flu, no one's going to bother you.

  4. I loved this post. My brother, whom I affectionately call Ted Nugent, is a big bow hunter so I totally know what you are talking about whenever you write about hunting. It was hysterical when the offspring first started asking why Uncle George only has the heads of all those deer hanging on the walls of his house. They wanted to know where the rest of the body parts were! Hope you're feeling better too :)

  5. Tell me how to enjoy elk. Because my husband wants to kill one something awful and the only time I've ever had it, it was all, like, elky and shit. Ick. So obviously there must be some secret to making it less elk-y and more delicious-y.
    PS: condolences on the swine flu. I hear it's a real bear. Get it? Bear? Har.



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