Thursday, October 8, 2009

Many Open Letters Inspired by a Not-So-Quick Jaunt To the Giant 12-year-old's School.

#1: Dear friendly construction folks who bring their own flashy "move over two lanes" lights and park their earth-moving equipment across two lanes of traffic on a busy city thoroughfare at 7:30 AM with no advance warning,  Have you heard of Mike Mulligan? He parked his shit INSIDE the construction site, not across from a middle school on a busy city thoroughfare. Sure, he ended up having to leave it there after the building was done, but it turned out fine because as I recall, they gave him a rocking chair, a pipe and plenty of pie. Why did he get pie? Because he didn't piss off everyone parking his damned steam shovel in their way. Do you like pie? Sure, we all do. Here's some advice - WAIT UNTIL AFTER THE BELL RINGS AT THE MIDDLE SCHOOL AND YOU WON'T HAVE NEARLY AS MANY MOMMIES FLIPPING YOU OFF, THEY MIGHT GIVE YOU PIE INSTEAD. Also, it'd be great if you actually involved the city, they might lend you some detour signs or something or advise you to park on, I dunno, the fricking side street?

#2: Dear River Rock Mica Green Toyota Prius Driver with Namaste Bumper Sticker, Your karma will NOT be improved by letting one mile of traffic merge in front of you. Those people are bad people. They are people that saw the "get the hell over two lanes" flashy lights and DID. NOT. GET. OVER. Instead, they zoomed ahead. They let you wait in line forever (and me, two cars behind you) and then they drove 52 miles per hour, slammed their brakes on at the last possible moment, smiled devilishly at you and you let them in. Their flippant little wave filled you with a feeling second only to freeing Tibet, but they started out three miles behind us, and now they're three miles ahead of us, and here we sit. YOU, Prius lady, have helped contribute to EVIL in this world, and for that, karma will NOT smile at you with an extra pinch of organic cinnamon in your sumatra blend soy latte. Oh no, you're looking at a split seam in your yoga pants at the very least, and very possibly a huge tax increase on xeriscaping and loose leaf tea. Not to mention what karma is going to think of you denying a child his education by promoting evil. I worry about you.

#3: Dear Cool Dudes in an Orange Geo with a huge Vans Decal, Hey, thanks for giving me a "teachable moment" this morning. There I was sitting in traffic, thinking that the boy and I would have nothing meaningful to talk about when you provided me the perfect opportunity for a Just Say No session.
The boy: Hey Mom, that's kinda gross, those guys in the Geo are sharing a cigarette.
Me: Hmm. Why they certainly are, son. Swine flu aside, pretty grody. OH, it seems to be a hand-rolled version. 
The boy: Wait. Is that pot?
Me: (rolling down window and taking a sniff of the chilly early morning autmn air) Well, yes, son. I believe it is a marijuana cigarette. Yes, indeedy.
The boy: Soooo, they're doing drugs, in their car, at 7:30 in the morning?
Me: Uh, huh.
The boy: 'Spose that's why they're 30 and still have a crappy car with a skateboard sticker on it?
Me: You're gonna be just fine, boy.


  1. Spilled some coffee laughing. Been there! Well not the car with the pot smokers but the line of senseless drivers whom seem to be there for no other reason than to f*** up my morning school run.

    My Kindergartner this morning ask me how daddy and I made it so we wouldn't have any more babies. More coffee spilled. Hard to discuss birth control with my 5 yr old while merging, avoiding construction, potholes and drivers who think the double yellow line is their yellow brick road.

  2. Bwahhahhahhahah! Is it bad karma to punch those Prius drivers in the head? Probably.

  3. But don't you think the Prius driver's karma is already improved by his Namaste sticker???



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