Friday, March 19, 2010

Does this Kindle make me look fat?

I rarely read the newspaper at all anymore. Mostly because piles of newspapers are annoying but also because:

1. They're all grocery store ads. I do not require advertisements to remind me to buy food. I also do not comparison shop for food. I go to the store, buy the stuff we eat and I leave. Because I flunked home ec probably. Also I hate the grocery store. I could link back to all the times I've mentioned that, but it would be very time consuming. Just believe me.

2. They're ridiculously biased and anyone who says they're not isn't reading the whole thing. I took journalism classes. It was, for at least three semesters, my major. And one thing I sort of remember from the whole experience, besides one really cool party called "the Dacquiri Factory" which, truth be told, I don't really remember AT ALL, is that you're supposed to be impartial. Go ahead and try and find an impartial newspaper article, you can't do it. Okay, maybe you can, but that would only be because you found an article about impending doom and despair due to weather.

3.They're full of excellent advice for criminals.  If you're a bad guy, and a dumb one, you need only read the paper for all kinds of cool ideas on excellent crimes. In the last six months, I've seen how to disassemble sprinkler systems, catalytic converters and frickin' doorknobs to get to high-priced scrap metals. I've seen diagrams for pipe bombs, and learned how to best sneak contraband onto airplanes. I don't know why they don't just put a map of my block and show where all the keys are hidden and the guard dogs who are sleepy or deaf.

4. Calvin and Hobbes. Gone. Enough said.

With that background in mind - I accepted a temporary subscription to the Denver Post on my Kindle, because it at least cancels out that "they pile up" excuse for not being aware of current events.  Have I mentioned yet my love of the Kindle? Oh sweet mother, it's the only device I value more than my Dyson. BOOKS! Delivered through thin air!  Portable enough to take entire libraries to youth football practices.  I received it as a gift from my sons and husband, who presented me also that day with a handgun...which caused me to realize that a) wow - they sure do trust me and have somehow gotten the idea that I am mentally stable, and b) they have no idea how much I don't like to be interrupted while reading.

So - I'm reading the Denver Post yesterday, on the Kindle, which basically means reading a headline and pressing "next page" because I'm annoyed or already know how to make that particular sort of bomb, when I find an article about clothes that make you look fat.

I perused it, thinking, "Umm. Tight ones? Horizontal stripey ones?"  But I'm pretty sure the author just made a list of all the stuff she hates, since at least 6 of the 20 things were particular types of shoes. SHOES. That make you look fat.

I'm no fashion journalist, but if your shoes make you look fat,'re frickin' fat. The list was so random I think she just listed all the things her ex-husband's new girlfriend wears. It included two types of sandals, ballet flats, birkenstocks, t-shirts, rolled up jeans and cargo pants. Also shorts - all kinds of shorts. Apparently, just stay away from t-shirts, shorts and birkenstocks and you'll instantly be thinner.

Unfortunately, that's my entire wardrobe. Guess I'll just have to hide behind a newspaper from here on out.


  1. Is this the same lady who wrote that stupid book "how not to dress fat?" Dude, she's an idiot. Her solution for everything is tighter clothes and even tighter Spanx underneath.

    She says gladiator sandles make you look fat because the fat around your cankles can ooze out between the straps. Hey, if you're dumb enough to buy sandals that make fat ooze out of the straps, then I say go for it! Live your life with gusto!


    Oh, by the by, I also hate grocery shopping with a passion. Right on.

  2. Heather - that's exactly the lady. I think wearing gladiator sandals makes you look like a gladiator. Which is quite the fabulous thing to look like if you ask me. I mean it's not like there's pharmceutical sales rep sandals...or marketing director sandals. Gladiator = Awesome. And why don't more grocery stores deliver anyway?

  3. seriously as I wore my uggs today I thought hmmm do I look fat today and then was like hell no I don't.. suck it

  4. All right, I'll bite if no one else will... What kind of handgun??

  5. I was hoping for a picture of you with the kindle so I could compare and then make some witty comment about the kindle being WAY skinnier than you are. But no.

    Anyway. I feel the same way you do about the newspaper, except that I don't read it at all, ever. Haven't for about six years, and I'm a happier person for it.

    Shoes that make you look fat - that's lame. That's like sunglasses that make you look fat. I have a fat ass and I know it. I also know that no extra extra large shirts or black slacks are going to make it look like a skinny ass, so really... it's not something I worry about. Not worrying about it probably makes my ass look skinnier than anything.

  6. This post is awesome, and the comments are hilarious!
    I absolutley hate anyone who is going to make me scrutinize my ankles now - like I'm not already worried about the size of my breasts, tummy, thighs, and I have to worry about ankles? Eff that.

  7. I love my kindle, I love my birks, so basically I'm screwed.

  8. I recently read an article where your purse allegedly can make you look fat or slim. What next?

    PS. With you on the Calvin and Hobbes thing. Tragic.



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