Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Valuable lessons gleaned from my actual true life experiences this week that I am generously sharing with you, dear reader.

1. Do not use the expression "you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a coffee shop in my neighborhood - Hohoho!" if someone wants to meet you for coffee to talk about how sad they are about putting their beloved 18-year-old cat to sleep.

2. Do not lazily take off your underwear and jeans at exactly the same time, leaving your raspberry pink Hanky Pankies in the leg of said jeans if you have borrowed your 12 year old son's jeans that day.  There is an ever so slight chance they might stay there throughout the entire falling two stories in a laundry chute, going through the washing machine, tumbling in the dryer, getting folded and going back to son's closet process.

3. Do not allow your bulldog to leave his superfun rubber ringy toy thingies in the front yard because at 3 o'clock in the morning you will hear a 110 pound labradork on your sofa barking the OMG-Burglar! bark alerting everyone in the house to eminent danger.  After loading your 9mm handgun and carefully reviewing the Colorado "Make My Day" statute online, you will see that it is not a meth-crazed maniac causing the dog to bark, but rather, two foxes frolicking on your front lawn. With bulldog toys. Because you live in a goddam Disney movie. Apparently.

4. When your employer says, "Do you have time to get to this project in the next couple of days?" do not guffaw and reply, "You bet. Unless I win the freakin' lotto between now and then. HAHA!"  It could cause them to question your dedication and they won't think it's funny even a little bit.


  1. Some bosses just have no sense of humor. Dicks.

  2. Just had #2 happen to me...went to Yoga the other day and "threw open the sash" to speak, getting my towel down on my mat and low and behold, what was stuck on the end of my front of a room full of ladies, but Hanky Panky herself...quite embarassing and kind of a turn on at the same time -DM

  3. You can fit in your 12 year olds jeans? I am super impressed!

  4. I was on a flight last week and read an article pertaining to your number four (although saying number two would have been funnier). I believe you are talking about Pill #2? Enjoy.

  5. thats some funny stuff!!

  6. In the interest of transparency, ShallowGal, my 12 year old is sort of ginormous. I microwaved his bottles, and I think it mutated him.

    And DM - that is much like the story my husband has from high school when he turned in his mom's static-y Sears bra with his football uniform. Only without the turn-on part.



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