Conventional wisdom says that mothers yell out their children’s full names when the kid is in trouble. I’ve never done it to my children and I likely never will. Wanna know why? Well, do you? Okay. It’s because I have a darned good theory that if you go screaming your children’s full names down the street, your kids turn into notorious bad guys. And if you call them by their initials rather than their name…they’re going to be jackasses. Whereas if you simply call them by their names, they’ll either be saints or rockstars. Here, let me offer you proof.
Murderers and assassins have first, middle and last names. Lee Harvey Oswald! Get off that grassy knoll right this minute! John Wilkes Booth, did you sneak out to the movies again? (The only anomaly in this example is if the child is named Theodore, nicknamed Ted, which guarantees they’ll be a psycho and/or a murderer even without a middle name, see: Bundy, Kaczynski.)
Jackasses go by their initials. “No, O.J., you may not use T.O. as your one phone call.” Sidebar examples to this point include Dubya and Eminem. And, depending on the appeals proceedings, we may have to start using Orenthal James soon.
Presidents and presidential candidates only have last names. Even though usually reserved as a method for high school boys to address each other, it’s perfectly acceptable for media, constituents, or anyone really, to call the leader of the free world by their last name only. Yo, Bush, what up? Where Obama at? Didja hear Clinton is taking a freshman to prom? Word.
Religious figures and rock stars only have one-word names that can be either be their first or last names, or even a cool noun. Hey, Ghandi, you seen Edge? Yeah, he’s at lunch with Bono, Buddha and Diddy.
This is probably why Hillary would’ve found more success on a world tour with Madonna or Prince than by campaigning for the presidential nomination. I could’ve told you that would never work. No one takes a first namer seriously in politics, only the music industry.
So I’ll just go on calling my boys Pete and Mike, thank you. Even though that’s not their names. It’ll keep them out of trouble.