Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Why it's best just to hold your breath in middle school hallways.

As I left yesterday for the grocery store for the 342,452nd time this week, I hollered behind me, "Anybody want anything?" and then, under my breath, "Besides, of course, the damned FOOD you all insist on eating? Every day? Like several times a day?"

The giant linebacker of a middle school child yelled back, "Yeah. Chocolate Axe."

Oh, that boy. So clever and witty. I smiled, proud of my caustic offspring, and said, "Dude! You're a genius! Smelling like chocolate would certainly get the attention of middle school girls! Ha ha ha!"

Then, walking down the aisle of aerosol smelly shit, I came across this.

Holy ozone layer.  He was serious.

Yeah, I bought it. But frankly, I'm a little worried that he'll become not a target for the affections of pubescent girls, but possibly middle-aged teachers. On diets. Right before lunch. I really would like to have been in the Axe marketing meeting where they came up with this one. 

"Hmmm. What smell do chicks dig?"

"Um. Chocolate?"

"Hey! Good one! Let's do it!"

It certainly makes more sense than the scent of choice when I was 12 years old.

Nothing hotter than the scent of...a baby?
Really. Baby powder is sexy. It is. Don't believe me? Read the ad.

"An irrestible clean baby smell, grown-up enough to be sexy."
Apparently, sex-offender work-release programs used to include copywriting gigs. Years after abandoning Love's Baby Soft, I sat in a media class at college, where the professor spoke for at least an hour on phallic symbols and using them in advertising. Guess what his primo, number one example was?

Good thing I was mature and wearing Coty Wild Musk by then. In case you're wondering, "musk" is defined as a "odorous glandular secretion." 

Chocolate might have been a better choice.


  1. That Baby Soft ad is unbelievable!! So pervy.

    But I think I might go buy some of that chocolate Axe for The Wallet. Mmmm...chocolate.

    Did you know that cucumber scent is apparently arousing for women? Could you imagine the bottles/marketing for that one?

  2. I can't find Hai Karate any place. I even tried Kresge's and Woolworth's. Any suggestions?

  3. Boys when I was in hgih school wore nothing but Drakkar. Even now when I smell it my boobs shrink and I get the urge to dry hump someone.

  4. LOL on the Baby Soft ad. That's pretty sick. Chocolate Axe...genius. I know there are a couple of boys I only went out with in high school because they were wearing Obsession or something. Would have followed the smell of chocolate anywhere.

  5. The guys I dated in high school had discovered the original POLO. You know, the dark green bottle that they all wore by the GALLON? It still gags me to this day!
    My hubby has chocolate Axe. I love it!

  6. Big Sexy uses the chocolate Axe body actually smells pretty good, & I'm not even a fan of chocolate[Axe "Touch" is the one to get though. YUM.].
    The baby soft ad? Gross. But - & I hate to admit this - I love the dress she's wearing. I wonder when ensembles entirely of eyelet fabric will come back in style? Soon I hope, but they can leave the pervy child molester trend in the 70s.

  7. Things that are supah-freaky about this post: Yesterday, YESTERDAY MIND YOU, Matthew and I were at the grocery store for the eleventy billionth time picking up $119 worth of groceries even though there is so much food in my cupboards crap falls out when the offspring open the doors. Anyhoo, we were in the deodorant aisle because my ten year old hates every deodorant I buy him. We saw AXE. We saw the chocolate AXE. We picked it up and smelled it! We didn't buy it though because he said he wouldn't use it so I had a mini tantrum and told him he WOULD use deodorant but he could just use one of the ones he already had. Also, Love's Baby Soft was my favorite perfume. I was also partial to the lemon and rain scents. And lastly, I may or may not have bought Jovan musk at Target recently for purely nostalgic reasons. And I may have actually squirted a little on myself last weekend. And then I may have asked Dave if he liked the smell. And he did so clearly it still works on men. Or Dave was just humoring me which he does most of the time. Ah, nostalgia........

  8. Hey, check out how they have her knees spread a little and they stick those dildos right there? Is that a little weird?



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