Thursday, February 4, 2010

I'm not high quality enough to read Elle Decor. And by "high quality" I mean, I'm not a gay guy. Apparently.

I really have nothing against Woman's Day magazine. I bet, in fact, that loads and loads of perfectly lovely Women read it and it makes their Day.

But I don't. I don't buy it. I don't want to buy it. I've accidentally picked it up when I'm stuck in a waiting room and I have purposely put it back down and read old emails on my iPhone instead because I am very NOT interested in anything about it.

And dude, my homey Bobby Brown will back me up on this...that is my perogative.

However. A bunch of wise-asses at a giant media conglomerate called HFMUS have decided that I do want Woman's Day magazine. So much so, in fact, that they'll send me 17 of them a year instead of the magazine I paid for, Metropolitan Home.

It seems that Metropolitan Home (that I paid for, did I mention that?) has gone the way of so many other print publications. Even the 100-year-old newspaper in Denver is dead, so I can't really expect that Met Home is going to make it. I'm cool with that. I only bought it because someone was standing on my doorstep looking sideways at my bulldog.

So, a little postcard with a note that says, "Hey, we ran outta money, better go read your Kindle" would have sufficed.

But nope, the marketing geniuses at HFMUS sent me a little postcard that says, "Lucky You, Woman! We're sending you 17 issues of Woman's Stupid Day Magazine even though you only had 3 issues remaining on the subscription to the magazine you really liked! Yay!"

No big deal, right? I'll just call and tell them No Thanks and it will all be over before the mailman has time to wonder why I'm suddenly reading hastily published crockpot recipes on cheap paper crap.

But I couldn't let it go. Mainly because, every time I got Metropolitan Home Magazine in the mail, I thought, "Oh! I bet me and 150,000 gay guys are all settling in right now on our divans and just looooving this tile!"

Are 150,000 gay guys going to also going to get Woman's Day Magazine? I'm no gay guy, but if I was I am pretty sure that'd piss me off. Did they just sign me up for WD because I have a female name?  Being the Encyclopedia Brown Internet Detective that I am, I looked it up.

Seems that the rat bastards at HFMUS are not sending everyone WD. In fact, they are sending their "HIGHEST QUALITY SUBSCRIBERS" Elle Decor magazine.

Mother effers. Where do they get off deciding who is and who is not "highest quality?" What are the determining factors?  I downloaded the advertising sales media kits to read the demographics of WD and Elle Decor. I won't go into details, but apparently, the asshats at HFMUS have decided I am ten years older than I really am, my home is worth a tenth of what it actually is worth, and my hobbies include playing harmonica with my uncle daddy while he taste tests moonshine. Really. It said that. Maybe.

And who is to say that people in that demographic don't still really really like to look at pretty tile? Seems to me, the less my house was worth, the more I'd want to see fancy ones. I'm not saying it's just because the parent company of HFMUS is a bunch of snotty French guys, but I'm not saying it's not, if you know what I'm saying.

I feel like the cool kids won't let me sit at their lunch table.  Somewhere, 150,000 gay guys are saying, "Finally! I was sooo tired of hanging out with her."


  1. I feel so bad for you. While I snuggle up on the couch with my Elle Decor. And I like to sip my espresso right before bedtime. And read French blogs. About French linens.

    But that's just me. You're probably trying to work your crockpot right about now. And there's nothing wrong with that! I loved the seventies.

  2. I think it was your blog about so many sandwiches in a one week period that put you on that list. Obviously someone who eats that much bread must need a Womans Day subscription so they can cut coupons for Peter Pan. And a pair of elastic waist jeans. And a housecoat from Roamans in a size 4X. A topsy turvy for your tomato crop? Pleather tennies with velcro closure?
    Honestly, I would have pegged you more for Cycle World. :)

  3. I don't know what you're complaining about, at least you didn't get a subscription to Architectural Digest when you paid for Domino like miserable ME.

  4. This is hilarious. My gay cousin posted on facebook that he is no longer getting some magazine but is now getting Woman's Day and he's been cooking up a storm.



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